Lately I have been listening to political campaign speeches, which has helped me catch up on some sleep I have missed in the last two years. Don’t get me wrong on this issue. It is not that I am bored with this whole business. It is simply the fact that if you have heard one political campaign speech, you have heard one too many.

I once read about a politician making an impressive campaign speech sometime after the Civil War.

“Fellow Citizens,” he bellowed passionately from his campaign stump, ”I have fought against the Indians. I have often had no bed but the battlefield, and no canopy but the sky. I have marched over the frozen ground till blood has marked every step.”

By the time he finished with his speech everyone was impressed with his illustrious record. Everyone, that is, except one old codger in the back of the crowd. Loud enough so the speaker could hear he said, “By golly, if you ain’t done enough fer your country. Go home and rest. I’ll vote fer the other fellow.”

Our country sorely misses that “old codger.”

One common thread in campaign speeches, I have noticed, is each candidate wants to go to Washington and “fight for me.”

I want to go on record and say that I am not mad at anyone, really. Honesty compels me to admit that I do not have any charitable thoughts toward the Devil, but that is where I draw the line. In many regards I am a pacifist and I will punch anyone in the nose who says otherwise.

That is the trouble with our country today. Everyone thinks he can solve his problem with violence and looks around for someone to fight. I am violently opposed to violence in any fashion (except my wardrobe which makes a malicious fashion statement). Politicians should set an example and stop fighting.

If these candidates want to fight for me, what I want to know is where were they when I was in the third grade and Ricky Callahan beat me up. I sure could have used a fighting hand back then. As far as I know, all of them looked the other way while I got my nose bloodied and I have not forgotten.

Time has healed my wounds and I cannot think of anyone I am mad at, with the exception, maybe, of politicians who insist on fighting for me. My advice is, don’t fight for me, Mr. Candidate.

I do not need a politician to fight for me, but they could do something, if they have a mind to (and try to find one with a mind).

For example, start with bringing me a hot cup of coffee each morning. I have a hard time getting awake without that Java Jolt. My day would be a lot better with this bedside service and I would even supply the coffee.

Another little chore around the house that needs expert attention is taking out the trash. I say expert because we try to recycle at our home. My wife has a saying around our home: A bag for everything and everything in the bag. One morning I awoke and found myself in a garbage bag on the back porch. I’m sure it was not intentional.

Each candidate has some solution to balancing the National Budget. Forget about the national debt. I could use some help balancing my checkbook each month.

No matter how often I add those figures, I never get the same result twice. The best I can do is add up the figures at least three times and then take the average.

Those politicians boast of how they will handle International Affairs. As for me, time could be better spent helping me with some neighborhood affairs. I am not too concerned about the dog in Baghdad. The dogs running around my neighborhood have me all hot and bothered. I would be eternally grateful for an amicable solution to this problem.

Once a politician is in office, he spends a lot of time passing House bills. Just come and help me figure out my monthly telephone bill. The telephone companies in our country are destroying a thousand square miles of trees each month just to make the paper to bill us. I have no idea what all those fees are on my monthly statement. One month I decided to call the telephone company to ask about my bill. That was in 1989 and I am still on hold!

This is just my short list, and, given more time, I am sure I could come up with enough little jobs to profitably occupy an entire four year term of office.

I have all but given up on politicians. I am sure most of them mean well, but the practical things in life are important to the individual.

When I need practical, personal help, I turn to one place and am never disappointed.

When I feel the stress and burden of daily life, I turn to the Lord Jesus Christ. His cordial invitation is found in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

I can always count on God to fight my battles.