It seems most spam calls come during lunchtime when I’m eating. How dare they?

I don't know who created this idea of spam calls, but I would like five minutes alone with them. If you know what I mean.

For me, it began with my expired car warranty. I would get calls daily telling me that my car warranty had expired and that I could remedy that situation by signing up with their warranty program. They have everything I need, so they say. What I really need is an Apple Fritter. Nobody’s ever offered me that.

One thing they did not have was my fist in their nose. But that's another story.

Finally, I responded to their calls by telling them that I had a 1915 Ford Model T, with only 896,000 miles on it. I had so many clicks following this that I couldn’t count them. Thanks Henry Ford.

The in-person calls are annoying, but it is the recorded calls that I just don't like.

I've been getting recorded calls saying that two years ago I had an accident and they would be glad to help me get the money I deserve. If I had an accident two years ago, I must've been asleep at the wheel.

Companies that call me with a recorded message will never get my business.

Then there are those Medicare calls wanting to upgrade my coverage at no cost to me.

One of the first things they want to know is my age.

I get so sick and tired of this that after a while I came up with my story.

"So, how old are you sir?"

My response, "Well, I tell you, that is a difficult answer because every year my age changes, and I get confused, and I can't keep up with my actual age."

There's a chuckle on the other end of the line and the person says, "So, when is your birthday?"

Again, my response is, "Well, my birthday is the day I celebrate being born."

I sense a little frustration on the other line, and then they say, "Tell me what day your birthday is on."

"Well, one year it’s on a Tuesday, and the next year it's on a Thursday, and then it's on a Saturday, and boy, I can't keep up with it."

Finally, I hear what I've been waiting for: a click from the other end of the line.

I don't think my age or birthday is anybody's business but mine. If I want somebody to know that information, I'll call them myself. When somebody I don't know calls me and asks for personal information, I will not cooperate. If these spam callers act foolish, I will reciprocate and act foolish to them. I’m a good actor, so says The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage.

I'm often confused when someone calls me and wants me to tell them when they can deliver some medical equipment that will not cost me anything. It will be absolutely free.

Of course, if I want some medical equipment, I'm going to go through my doctor. After all, that's why I pay him all that money.

I would like to know how much money these spammers make doing the kind of job they do. They must be making money, or they wouldn't always be calling. Where do they get the money, and who in the world would be foolish enough to give them personal information?

One person asked for my Social Security number, so I gave him 123-45-6789. That has to be somebody's security number, but it certainly isn't mine.

Then the latest thing is that some spammer calls me and tells me that they are sending me some medical equipment to help me with my diabetes. And, (drumroll) it won't cost me anything. I know when somebody says it's not costing me anything, it will definitely cost me something.

"So, sir," the spammer said, "do you have diabetes?"

Why in the world do they call me thinking I have diabetes? Where are they getting that information? I know they haven't talked to my doctor about it.

Then I had an idea. The next time a spammer called me and asked if I had diabetes, I said, "I'm not diabetic, but I am a sweet guy."

After doing that several times, one person angrily said, "Are you hitting on me?"

"No," I said, "but I sure would like to hit you."

The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage often tells me not to answer any of those calls. I explain to her I need to have fun and make it hard on some of these scammers. After all, don't you get what you give?

There was a pause in those annoying calls and I had an opportunity to think about a Bible verse.

David said in Psalm 18:3, “I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.”

My thought was, no call from me could ever annoy God. He is waiting for me to call upon him. Whenever I call upon God, He is anxious to respond to my need. God doesn’t look on me as a spammer, but a claimer of His amazing grace.